YOU&ME: THE ART OF GRIEF + JOY AFTER LOSS
Hello. Dana Scott here, owner of the shop. I feel like we are doing something very cool and special at The Social Club this Friday and I wanted to create a space, here on the world wide web to put some advice from our artists so next time you are unsure of how to support a loved one, a friend, or even yourself you can come back to this post.
October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month. October 15th just happens to be the actual day of remembrance. We are beyond honored to be partnering with 8 different artists, all of whom have experienced this kind of loss, and Calm Waters, a nonprofit that helps families on their path with grief.
We will be participating in the Wave of Light. An international event where you can light a candle in memory of a baby whose life was lost too soon. A candle will be provided for those of you wishing to participate.
We will also have cards, lapel pins, and flowers that can be purchased to help support those that have experienced this loss.
Erin Robinson is a good friend who experienced miscarriage right around the time that I started trying for my first. I remember not knowing exactly what to do or say but wanting to, so deeply, help her grieve with some small gesture or kind words. I also remember thinking - by no means do I want to make her grief worse by something I say or do or stir up any unnecessary emotions. As a result I know I probably just told her sorry for her loss and side stepped around it because of my own fears. She probably doesn’t remember any of this, as she shouldn’t, the last thing she should have been doing was thinking about how I was responding to a terribly sad thing she was going through but when Erin came to me and asked me if I would be open to hosting an art show 1. to honor and remember the babies that have been lost 2. to end the stigma and the silence that surrounds this loss and 3. to build conversations and communities that support during times of grief, I got a little emotional and goosebump-y and said of course, it would be an honor.
I have not personally experienced this kind of loss and knowing numerous women that have doesn’t change the fact that I cannot personally imagine loss of this magnitude or what it would do to my life. I am forever enamored with the strength of women that have endured this pain but because I have not gone through it I didn’t know how to talk about it or respond when someone I do know was going through it. And I am sure so many other people, wanting to support people they love, feel the same way. In an effort to create a conversation around the words that sometimes seem the hardest to say or the feelings we ourselves sometimes have as the person trying to lend support, I asked the different artists if they had any advice for someone going through this or someone who is wanting to offer support to someone who is. Please read below for these artists’ beautiful words of advice and support.
Erin Robinson
Erin Robinson is a creative director at a marketing and branding agency.
Erin’s advice for someone who is experiencing loss: When we lost our daughter I wasn’t sure at first if we should give her a name, but I am so thankful we did. It was both hard and healing to choose a name for her. There were many times when I wasn’t sure how to have conversations or to verbalize what I was feeling but being able to name her gave me a more natural way to speak about her. Our oldest son was 2 at the time we lost Lottie and there are still times he has questions about her, or he will wonder about how old she would be. I believe that having the framework of a name has helped him have these conversations as well.
Erin’s advice for someone who wants to help: There are no perfect words to say and that’s okay. No one is expecting you to take away their pain but simply knowing that you care and are thinking of them is so very valuable. Don't forget to reach out to the dads, I think their grief can get overlooked in these situations.
Hayley Owen
Haley Owen is a multi-medium artist who makes her living as half of the mural and sign painting duo, Yo Bro.
Hayley’s advice: Be willing to go there with people who are grieving. Ask about it. I used to avoid bringing up hard subjects because I didn’t want to make people sad or uncomfortable, but after my miscarriage I learned that I wanted people to ask about my experience, about how I was doing as I grieved and processed and healed. It gave me a space to remember the little life I lost and it meant so much to me that others were remembering her as well.
Ely Fair
Ely Fair is a photographer and small business owner.
Ely’s words of advice for someone who has experienced loss: Let people help you carry the burden of grief. Don’t let loneliness be your only companion in sorrow. It’s ok to still be sad and thinking about your baby weeks, months, years, even a lifetime after you’ve lost them.
Ely’s advice for people wanting to support someone who has experienced loss: Be patient. Your loved one who has experienced loss will not get over it as quickly as you. Ask specific questions about how they are doing weeks and months after they’ve experienced loss. Being invited to talk about it rather than bringing it up gives a burden free space to share about something heavy on your own heart but you feel the rest of the world has forgotten. If you can remember the due date or when the baby was born, reach out and acknowledge that day as important. Someone remembering something like that is huge.
Brooke Serio
@brookeleeserio @dwellerfloret
Brooke Serio is a florist (Dweller Floret), a teacher (The Creative Academy), and hangs out with us a few days a week here at The Social Club working reception.
Brooke’s advice: Don’t feel pressure to be “over it” when you feel like it’s an appropriate time. Give yourself time to grieve. Open up with people & ask for help as your body and mind are healing. Get your kids a stuffed animal to remember your baby (my kids loved this). Erin Robinson
Kayli Lyons
@kaylifreakinglyons @createdandfoundshop
Kayli Lyons is a vintage shop owner (Created and Found) and a maker herself.
Kayli’s advice for someone who has experienced a miscarriage: It is beyond difficult to wrap your mind around never getting the chance to meet a person you just started to get to know. Some of us don’t get the chance to hear, feel, or even see them. Acknowledging the baby as a person makes it less abstract and a chance to grieve just like you would grieve the loss of any loved one. The weight the trauma momma’s have to carry after this kind of loss is equal parts emotional and physical. Remember to take care of your mind, body and spirit. Each area will need time to heal and healing cannot happen in isolation.
Kayli’s advice for those who know someone who experienced this kind of loss: Keep them near, check in and surround them with love and support because sometimes it’s hard for them to reach out.
Megan Reeves
Megan Reeves is a videographer.
Megan’s advice for someone going through loss: Don’t let anyone tell you how you should grieve. Don’t feel obligated to share about your loss if you genuinely want to keep it to yourself, but don’t feel obligated to keep it to yourself if you want/need to talk about it and share your pain. You don’t have to carry this alone. Let others lift you up. Allow yourself to be angry and sad. Allow yourself to hope again.
Megan’s advice for those wanting to support: Everyone is different, but let your friends know you are genuinely there to be a listening ear if they want to talk about it. Remember this is a pain that lasts longer than the first week, or month or even year. I received flowers, meals and handwritten cards that meant the world to me. Acknowledge this as a real loss. It would be so meaningful as a friend to remember anniversaries of the loss or the future due dates that will be a forever reminder.
Calm Waters, a local nonprofit whose mission is to help children and families in their grief journey will be there Friday night to offer support and information about the free support groups they offer as well as other services. Proceeds from the sales of the cherry blossom pin, designed by Erin Robinson will go to Calm Waters to help benefit support groups.
Advice from Erin Engelke, the Executive Director at Calm Waters: Grief does not have a deadline and it does not discriminate. Everyone will face it at some point in their life! Grief is the emotions, thoughts, and behaviors that come after a loss and can include the death of a loved one as well as the loss of things that are intangible such as a job, the end of a relationship or even a move. Be gentle with yourself as you grieve and know that your journey will likely look different than someone else’s…and that’s ok.
***I think mostly the resounding piece of advice is that you are not going to take away the grief but acknowledging the grief, making space for it is immeasurable. We hope that you will come this Friday night and experience us making space for the pain, the grief, the joy, the support, the transformation, the process, the love; experience a space for conversations and connections.
*Plus you will want to come see this art, it is going to speak volumes. We will also be serving cocktails, lighting candles, and have to goods to purchase in support of Calm Waters and that will help support people going through this kind of loss. You & Me: The Art of Grief + Joy After Loss, 8 Oklahoma Artists, Friday, October 15, 2021, 6pm.
